I Almost Quit Photography This Year

This post was originally written in 2020

I’ve been doing photography for about 5 years now, and it’s been a struggle for every single one of those years. Every single year, I think “this is it, it’s as far as I’m going to go,” and start debating selling all of my gear and finding an office job. But I know that’ll never really make me happy, so I push on, not quite sure of what the future has in store for me.

This past year hit me especially hard. It was the first year I didn’t have the excuse of “well, I’m still in school,” I’d moved to another state specifically to pursue photography, and my year was starting off great. And then summer hit, and everything came crashing to a stop.

You can only really measure how successful you are based on what success means to you. If you would’ve asked me 5 years ago, I’d say I’m pretty successful now. I made it out of Louisiana and I’ve had some amazing experiences, but I’ve been subliminally pushing the goalposts little by little the closer I get to my goals. Which isn’t a horrible thing, it’s good to always have a goal just out of reach at times, but I learned that I put so much pressure on myself that it’s kind of unhealthy. While success used to be something along the lines of getting into shows or having a portfolio I can be proud of, now I want to put these skills I’ve learned to use and solidify that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Success to me in 2019 was to transition into being a full-time photographer. And it didn’t happen. Not for as long as I’d hoped, at least.

I was on the road with Gold Steps and then Hey Thanks! for a bit, and then everything just…stopped. I couldn’t get any more offers, I couldn’t get any responses to my hundreds of emails I’d sent out, businesses turned their noses up at me, and it seemed like I was the only one out of my peers who were just…not getting anywhere. And I get it, it’s competitive out there, but I was fighting, and I’d been fighting hard for a while. Why was I not making it anywhere anymore?

And looking back, if I’d have had a different goal, I surely would’ve called myself successful. The friends I’d made, the places I’d been to, the photos I’d taken, it was great. But I didn’t meet my main goal, and it really beat me up. Is it because I’m a woman? Is it because I look like a minor? Maybe it’s because I’m just not good enough? Or that I never want to ask for help and feel like I should do it on my own. And the sad part is, I still have no idea what I’m doing wrong, or if I’m doing anything wrong in the first place.

I think I’ve hit the point where I have to re-evaluate what’s going on in my life, and I’m wrestling with giving up again. I just feel like there’s no room in the industry for me, and this is its way of pushing me out. I have bills to pay and retirement to start saving up for. But I know I have a place here. Everyone does. I just need to find my foothold again.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a how-to or a story with a happy ending. I’m still struggling, and I’m still trying to find my place. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want to come off as complaining. I just wanted to let everyone know what’s going on in my head. But I mostly want to let others who feel the way I do know you’re not in this alone.